What happened, Kari? :))
PHOENIX (The Borowitz Report)—The former television anchorwoman Kari Lake became enraged after the state of Arizona attempted to present her with a participation trophy for her unsuccessful gubernatorial campaign.
According to the Arizona state constitution, every losing candidate for statewide office is entitled to such a trophy, as well as an eight-by-eleven-inch “certificate of participation,” suitable for framing.
After a state official tried to bestow the trophy on Lake at her campaign headquarters, she snarled at the six-inch plastic figurine and drop-kicked it across the room.
Refusing to concede defeat, Lake instead lashed out at the woman who had just vanquished her. “Katie Hobbs is totally unqualified to lead Arizona into the nineteenth century,” she said.
More Satire from the Borowitz Report
- Republicans worry that midterm voters might believe that women deserve rights.
- The nation’s armed insurrectionists say that Biden’s pro-democracy speech hurt their feelings.
- Trump demands that the special master be replaced with an extra-special master.
- The F.B.I. believes the MyPillow guy committed crimes beyond selling shitty pillows.
- Lauren Boebert asserts that the Nineteenth Amendment doesn’t exist because “God gave Moses only Ten Amendments.”
- Dr. Oz claims that eating classified documents was essential to Trump’s healthy diet.
- Tucker Carlson accuses Joe Biden of lowering gas prices.
mon nov 28 2022 REmbr… G is, as G can only BE. GOOD